"This is so hard." "Why is this so difficult?" "Is this supposed to be this difficult?" "I didn’t think this would still be this difficult." These are just a few of the thoughts that repeatedly ran through my mind in the weeks leading up to this year’s Cambridgeshire Festival of Education. As I read them back to myself now, they sound like the mental musings of someone dealing with the loss of a loved one. But actually, they are my mental musings about leaving the classroom--through many tears of mixed feelings--in June of 2016 to pursue my Ph.D. full-time. Relinquishing my title as teacher, as “Miss Sweeney” to children, was proving to be more difficult than I’d already anticipated it would be. I was plagued by other troublesome thoughts, too: “Can I really ever be an expert at something?” Or, “The issues I care about represent deeply entrenched, systemic challenges...what can I really do about them?” Or, most often: “You are not [insert essential personal or professional skill here] enough to do this work.” Then, in July of 2017, I attended the Cambridgeshire Festival of Education. I was neck-deep in tension created by the fact that I was absolutely certain I loved the path I was on in my Ph.D. program, but, somehow, I also simultaneously had no idea how I was actually going to make peace with the fact that I knew I would never be an elementary school teacher ever again. Suddenly, one of the keynote speakers, Natalie Scott, put up a slide that had this image on it: And then came this slide: And this one: And this one: Had someone told Natalie I would be in the audience today? Prior to this moment, I’d felt somewhat alone in my head--trapped in my thoughts. But after hearing Natalie speak openly about experiences she'd had that mirrored some of my own, and talk through these slides and what they represented to her, I felt validated. And motivated. And in a strange sense...even seen. So what's my point? I think my point is: Show up. I’ve learned the importance of just showing up, and I use this phrase intentionally: For me, it implies a mindset I adopt when I'm overwhelmed or uncertain to the point that I'm tempted to freeze or retreat into my shell of inactivity, indecision, or self-isolation. When these feelings come, what I need is to stretch myself to be around people who won't let me hide against the wall and play it safe. So I've started telling myself: Just go. Be there, wherever "there" is. You don't have to have all the answers. You don't have to know what the next move is. You just have to keep being present in places, and surrounded by people, that represent possibility and positive forward motion. Going doesn't guarantee that being somewhere will bring what you need at that very moment...but not going means you'll never know if it could have. So, if you live in the Cambridge area and, like me, you find yourself musing over a series of recurring questions, tensions, or even just curiosities, you should probably start making plans now to show up to the 2018 Cambridgeshire Festival of Education. Take it from me: You won’t regret it. Connect with me on Twitter (@Sherridons) and Instagram (Sherridonsweeney.usf)
2 Comments
10/3/2017 08:10:57 am
Your messages in this blog are so transferable. Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts AND for knowing that posting it now was worth doing. As the Project Manager for the festival it's wonderful to see the impact it made and will to go on to make. Thank you. I wonder whether you might able to come next time? If not, perhaps you can at least join the conversation on Twitter!
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Sherridon
10/3/2017 09:18:42 am
I'm so glad to hear this, thank you! I am in Cambridge every summer so I will be able to come to the festival next year...looking forward to it!
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AuthorHello! My name is Sherridon Sweeney and I am a doctoral student at the University of South Florida. I taught 1st, 2nd, and 3rd grade in Hillsborough County, Florida for seven years before leaving the classroom in 2016 to pursue a Ph.D. in Literacy Studies. My blog is a space where I "think out loud" about the issues and opportunities I care about related to children, teaching, learning, and anything else going on the world that's got my wheels spinning. Categories |